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Lesson 8 – Honoring the Integrity of I, You and Us

In this session, you will:

  • Explore the relationship between your integrity and your partners integrity, and look at the integrity of your partnership as a whole.(I, you, us integrity)
  • When do you honor yourself vs. when do you honor your partner?
  • What to do when you feel like you cannot ask for what you want.
  • Learn how to bring your best self to your partnership.
  • Get further insight around conventional morality around partnerships vs optimal, thriving partnerships.

I Integrity

The “I” integrity is our integrity as a player in a Game. When we have high “I” integrity, we are being true to our Self. We accept and acknowledge what we think, feel, desire, and experience. We do not sacrifice our values but act consistent with them and speak our truth.

You Integrity

The YOU integrity is our respect for the other person’s integrity as a player in a Game. When we have high YOU integrity, we honor our partner’s right to be true to their Self. We honor what they think, feel, desire, and experience. We do not ask them to sacrifice their values but instead, encourage them to act consistent with their own values and speak their own truth.

Us integrity

The Us integrity is our respect for the container of the relating itself. When we have high Us integrity, the players honor their commitments, and act consistent with the intentions, values, and rules of the Game. The players do not sacrifice the Game for other people, but work to create a thriving partnership in the face of external demands

Order, or re-order

These three integrities form the heart of a Thriving Partnership. The more “I,” YOU, and Us integrity we demonstrate, the more satisfaction and fulfillment of the players becomes possible for the players.

To create Thriving Partnerships the “I” is most important, the YOU is second most important, and the Us is last and least important. In a conventional relationship, it is reversed: The Us is most important, the YOU is second most important, and the “I” is last and least important.

Lesson 8 – Exercise

Honoring the Integrity of the I, the You, and the Us

Find an issue that you would like to have more thriving about. Where would you like more love, thriving or teamwork.
(5 seconds)

What are the core elements of that issue? The thoughts, feelings, emotions. How do you understand what has happened?
(60 seconds)

Examine systematically where you are honoring or dishonoring the I, you, us integrities. Where are you currently honoring your I integrity?
(30 seconds)

Where are you currently sacrificing your I integrity?
(30 seconds)

How could you honor your I integrity?
(30 seconds)

Where are you currently honoring the you integrity of your partner?
(30 seconds)

Where are you currently sacrificing the you integrity of your partner?
(30 seconds)

What if you were to give your partner full permission to think an feel and want what they want? How can you honor their you integrity?
(30 seconds)

Imagine having a conversation with your partner in which you talk about where you have been dishonoring your self how you want to honor it. Also where you have been dishonoring them and where you want to honor them.. Focus on presuming positive intention and the Right-Right attitude of honoring the I and the you. How can you communicate that you want to honor both yourself and them?
(60 seconds)

Where have you been honoring your agreements? The us integrity?
(30 seconds)

Where have you been dis-honoring your agreements?
(30 seconds)

How could you honor the us agreements even more?
(30 seconds)

Imagine having a conversation around these agreements. How can you presume positive intention? How can you create synergy?
(30 seconds)

Go through the I, you, us process again to integrate these ideas deeper.

Choose a relationship and an issue you want more clarity around.

What happened? Boundaries? Issues? Emotions?
(30 seconds)

Where have you been honoring your integrity?
(30 seconds)

Where have you not honored your values?
(30 seconds)

Where can you choose to honor yourself more fully?
(30 seconds)

Where have you been honoring the you integrity?
(30 seconds)

Where have you not honored your partners thoughts, feelings, desires?
(30 seconds)

Where might you show greater honor to the you.
(30 seconds)

Imagine sharing these insights with your partner? How would sharing I,you, we integrity create created thriving?
(30 seconds)

How have you been honoring the us integrity?
(30 seconds)

How have you been dis-honoring the us integrity?
(30 seconds)

How can you honor the us agreements even more fully?
(30 seconds)

Imagine a win-win conversation with this partner. How might this conversation go using I, you, us integrity.
(30 seconds)

Special Audio:

This is a short version of the Lesson 8 Exercise that you can revisit at anytime to work through present challenges.

Right-Click/Ctrl-Click to Download

Lesson 7 – Exercise

Responsibility – Integrity and Authenticity

Begin by reviewing your Lesson 1 notes about love, happiness and teamwork form the first exercise.

What is it that you really want in and from your partnerships?
(60 Seconds)

Let’s revisit these questions with integrity fresh in our minds. What do you want in terms of Love, Happiness and Teamwork. Not what others want for you, but what you really want

What do you really want in terms of Love and depth and intimacy?
(30 Seconds)

What do you really want in terms of happiness, pleasure, fun, joy and ecstasy?
(30 Seconds)

What do you really want in terms of teamwork, communication, effectiveness, and synergy?
(30 Seconds)

Think about your #1 most important partnership. On a scale of 1-10, how much responsibility have you been taking in order to make that relationship thrive? How much responsibility have you been taking to honor your integrity and bring your truth?
(5 Seconds)

Where are you honoring your integrity in your partnership? Where are you really owning where you are? Where are you already kicking butt in responsibility and integrity?
(60 Seconds)

Where are you not taking responsibility? Where could you take more responsibility? Where can you own your ability to respond?
(60 Seconds)

What is the cost of your not taking full responsibility?
(30 Seconds)

What are the potential benefits of take more responsibility in this relationship? Where are you “low-hanging fruit” around responsibility?
(60 Seconds)

What do you think in the partnership that you could honor more fully? Write anything you might think, which in the past you might have denied in your partnership?
(30 Seconds)

What are some things that you feel, that you have denied or ignored in the past?
(30 Seconds)

What do you want?
(30 Seconds)

Where have you been selfish in your partnership?
(30 Seconds)

What has been the impact of this selfishness?
(30 Seconds)

Where have you been self-less in your partnership?
(30 Seconds)

What has been the impact of this self-less-ness?
(30 Seconds)

Where have you been self-full in your partnership?
(30 Seconds)

What has been the impact of this self-full-ness?
(30 Seconds)

Choose a different partnership and lets get some reality with it.
(10 Seconds)

On a scale of 1-10, how much responsibility have you been taking in order to make that relationship thrive?
(5 Seconds)

Where have you been taking responsibility in this partnership?
(30 Seconds)

Where are you not taking responsibility?
(30 Seconds)

What is the cost of not taking responsibility?
(30 Seconds)

What are the opportunities if you were to take more responsibility in just those places?
(30 Seconds)

Where are you bringing your me and where are you bringing your mask? Where can you bring more authenticity to the partnership?
(30 Seconds)

What do you feel in this partnership? Where can you bring more?
(30 Seconds)

What do you want in this partnership? How can you better own your desires?
(30 Seconds)

Where have you been selfish in your partnership?
(30 Seconds)

Where have you been self-less in your partnership?
(30 Seconds)

Where have you been self-full in your partnership?
(30 Seconds)

Lesson 7 – Key #3: RESPONSIBILITY, Integrity, and Authenticity

In this session, you will:

  • Learn the most practical, important thing that you can build and maintain in your life and in relationships.
  • Take a deep look into the concept of Integrity
  • Explore the question: What does it mean to be authentic?
  • Learn the difference between sefli-ish behavior, self-less behavior, and What Mark calls Self-Full behavior.
  • Learn to honor reality by using your best reason through responsibility.

Integrity

The integrity of our Self is the foundation for all happiness and fulfillment in our lives. The word “Integrity” comes from the word “integer” or “whole.” To have integrity is to be integrated within one’s Self, to have our actions and values in alignment, and to be of one piece. The more we honor the truth of our Self, the more we honor our spiritual nature. Recognizing and accepting who and what we truly are is the first step to greater realization and inner peace.

The health and vitality of our Self is a function of being true to our thoughts, feelings, desires, and experiences. When we honor our deeper values by choosing to act in alignment with them in the face of challenges, we demonstrate and deepen our integrity with our Self. This development is at the heart of psychological and spiritual growth.

Authenticity

Authenticity is the action of integrity. Giving ourselves permission to think what we think, feel what we feel, and want what we want.

The truth is, we feel exactly what we feel. We might wish this were different or not what to think/feel what we are thinking/feeling, but the authentic truth is, those thoughts, feelings and desires are what is happening.

You already think, feel or desire these thing, so you might as well give yourself the permission to do so right?

To honor what and who you are is the fundamental act of authenticity.

Authenticity is the foundation of integrity and thriving. Authenticity is a choice, and our primary responsibility.

The more, the more

Our integrity with our Self is the foundation on which all happiness, fulfillment, and success in relating is built. It is only when we honor the truth of our experience, when we honor our Self, that we can share the truth of who we are with another and create the love, trust, and intimacy that we desire.

It is the experience of wholeness that allows us to open our heart, mind, and soul to another human being and share our truths vulnerably.

In this way, our integrity with our Self is both the doorway to the ecstasy of life and the foundation for intimate relating.

All we will know is that we didn’t sell our Self out to please someone else.

These concepts are explored in much greater detail in this lesson.

Lesson 6 – Exercise

Reason – Empowering and Inspiring Stories

Choose a low/medium intensity issue from a previous exercise

What is this issue about? What insights did you gain in previous exercises? Where is your power? What is the reality of the situation?
(60 Seconds)

Examine those stories in terms of you inherited, unconscious stories.
How have the unconscious stories you have inherited from your culture affected your view of this issue? How have they made the issue uninspiring? Depressing? No fun to think about or experience?
(60 Seconds)

What is an empowering story you can tell about this whole issue? How can you understand and describe this issue in a way that is empowering?
(60 Seconds)

What would be a destination that would inspire you to take action to make it happen? What is a potential future that would inspire you? How would you like things to develop?
(60 Seconds)

How are you already on track to making that desired future a reality? Write down some of the pieces that are already in place to make this a reality?
(60 Seconds)

Notice: How does already being on track make it more inspiring for you?
(30 Seconds)

What would an even more beautiful future look like?
(30 Seconds)

Special Audio:

This is a short version of the Lesson 6 Exercise that you can revisit at anytime to work through present challenges.

Right-Click/Ctrl-Click to Download

Lesson 5 – Exercise

The Three Spheres of Thriving Partnerships

Presence – being present to reality – conscious
available to experience experience.

where can you take the most ground towards shared objective partnership?

represence top person – do this exercise with them

(about 1.5 minutes)

Examine each relationship through the lens of the 3 spheres of true partnership

Blue Sphere what do you believe is happening – what is your personal reality –

(1 min)

red sphere- completely separate from you what do you think they believe is happening – what’s the story they would tell? – note – almost always a positive/forgiving story

(about 1.5 minutes)

Purple Slice – where do y’all agree – where do you disagree?

(about 1.5 minutes)

Now – bring in Yellow – what are the facts of the matter, of the case?

Are you focused on reality – discovering reality – investigating – sleuthing? or on the story?

(about 1.5 minutes)

Orange – notice/recognize that there are places where they disagree with you, and they are right.

(about 1.5 minutes)

It is good for your thriving to leverage those

also places they disagree with you where they are wrong.

It is good for thriving to
1) verify you are understanding the accurately

2) check your logic/evaluation with them to get agreement that they are wrong.

Blue places you disagree with them and you are wrong

What might those be?

Apologize if you were a jerk around those things.

Green and places you disagree with them and you are right –

You already know that one like the back of your hand Bbest of the set, most likely.

Purple – where do you agree – but you are both delusional

Hard to tell – your big “check” is in on the game.

Stay alert – reality is your friend.

vs. where are you focused on reality

Shared understanding

Power to create

True synergy

Special Audio:

This is a short version of the Lesson 5 Exercise that you can revisit at any time to work through present challenges.

Right-Click/Ctrl-Click to Download

Lesson 4 – Exercise

Re-presence the 3 issues from the first two sessions.
You have envisioned through the right/right attitude for relating.
You have examined and imagined Presupposing Positive Intention.
Now, let’s create some win-win agreements around them.
60 seconds

Represence #1
identify the issue and underlying boundary issue
60 seconds

Ask yourself the higher purpose question
Clarifying your higher purpose
60 seconds

Rinse repeat on higher purpose
60 seconds

Imagine asking other higher purpose question
write down the answers –
60 seconds

rinse/repeat
60 seconds

Imagine solutions that might work to synergize both higher purposes
60 seconds

rinse/repeat
60 seconds

Imagine that that worked – anything else needed to be satisfied?
clarify additional positive purposes for yourself.
60 seconds

Clarify additional positive purposes for your partner.
60 seconds

Find synergistic solutions
60 specify next actions and schedule

rinse/repeat
Gets easier the second time

Let’s go through those 10 steps again on a different issue
Rinse and repeat with same partnership mid-level emotional intensity

Lesson 3 – Exercise

Recall issues you took through the 10 steps to right/right relating
choose mid-level emotional intensity

(60 seconds)

Recall the facts, the rules, your emotions
(30 seconds)

What is the intention you hallucinated onto them
(60 seconds)

What is the impact of the intention you have been hallucinating onto them?
positive, negative, enthusiasm or anger and fear?

(60 seconds)

How have you communicated your emotional upset to the other person so far?
voice tone
facial expressions
body posture
gestures
even the words you use

(30 seconds)

Recognize that you don’t know what their intentions are with precision
you are imagining, hallucinating, projecting, mind reading

(60 seconds)

What is the intention behind the intention?
what do they really intend?
write it down

(60 seconds)

Presupposing positive intentions, how else can you understand their actions?
what are 3-5 alternate explanations that use positive intentions that might plausibly explain their behaviors?

(60 seconds)

If one of these alternatives is accurate
have you been unfair to the other person?
were your voice tone, gestures, facial expression, words mean or inconsiderate?
do you have anything it would be honorable to apologize for?

(60 seconds)

Review your mutual friendships –
have you gossiped about your partner to other people?
what is the tone and impression that the other people were left with
write this down

(60 seconds)

3 things to do –
1. testing your hallucinations to determine their truth
2. or apologizing for inconsiderate communication
3. or cleaning up any damage your gossip might have caused.
(don’t actually do this unless you really think it is best),
notice the considerate voice tone, facial expressions, gestures

Remember It is not the inquiry but the intention through which you communicate
that you have presumed positive intentions.
It is the nonverbal communication
of curiosity
and wonder
and acceptance
and the desire to understand
through which you communicate positive intention.

The more you have that attitude, that intention, the more the tools of the inquiry and the medical outcome question will be helpful.

(60 seconds)

If there are any actions you are inspired to take write them down and schedule them into your calendar perhaps share them with a friend for accountability.

Rinse and Repeat

Choose a more intense issue 🙂

Lesson 2 – Exercise

Make a list of the things that are going well in your relationship.

Make a list of things that are not working in your relationship.
Prioritize this list from least to most intensity.

10 steps to right/right relating

go through this deliberately, systematically
do each step in turn, build as we go.

60 seconds

1. what are the facts of the matter?

what actually happened?
Just the facts ma’am, just the facts.
get them out on paper
60 secs

2. what are your rules that are being broken and trigger your the pain/suffering?
60 seconds
what is it about those facts that upset you
pretend it is not obvious – write it down
30 seconds

3. choose to recognize that those are your rules –

they are what you think is right
other people may or may not share them
but you do. they are your rules.
30 seconds

4. give yourself permission to have rules – to honor your self

you are right to want what you want and experience what you experience
I have the right to want what I want
30 seconds

5. choose to recognize that your partner might have very different rules

they might want very different things than you
or they might want similar things
but prefer a different path to achieve them
they are your partner’s rules.
your partner thinks that they are right.
“my partner has different rules than me.”

30 seconds

6. give them permission to have their rules – to honor their self

They are right to want what they want and experience what they experience.
30 seconds

7. choose to recognize the right right context

acknowledge that You are right AND they are right.
you each bring equal rights to the partnership
you are peers whose desires and experiences must be respected
to co-create a partnership with them
180 seconds

8. choose to recognize any self-righteousness on your part

in your emotions, in your experience and stories
60 seconds

How/where/when have you been dominating them – being mean, judgmental, yelling?
60 seconds

how have you been passive-aggressive with your partner?
being bitchy, whiny, ignoring them etc.?
60 seconds

where have you gossiped – shared judgmental self-righteous about your partner with others?
120 seconds

9. imagine how can you communicate your rules and insights to your partner without being self-righteous?

60 seconds

imagine doing so
60 seconds

especially notice your tone of voice as you imagine
perhaps write a quick note of what you might say
120

10. determine if there are any actions you want to take to create more thriving in this partnership

if there are –
a) write them out and
b) schedule them in your calendar.
9 minutes rinse and repeat

get easier the second time
let’s go through those 10 steps again on a different issue

rinse and repeat with same partnership mid-level emotional intensity
9 minutes rinse and repeat

get even easier the third time
let’s go through those 10 steps again on a different issue

repeat with same partnership high-level emotional intensity
establish a right-right context –

takes 30 seconds to get context right

takes a few minutes to sort out the facts, the rules, and the self-righteousness

Do this WITH your partner – later in the course

I encourage you to take a couple minutes to review what you have written
and translate those into concrete actions you can take
to create thriving in the partnerships you choose to focus on.

This was the exercise for session # 2
of creating thriving partnerships: an advanced course
Using the right/right attitude to thrive
with mark michael lewis

to deepen the power of the exercise – perform a quick, intuitive version of it
several times with other partnerships and issues.
remember, the better you get at these skills
the more powerful you will become in creating thriving partnerships

Please listen and take notes of the next session
session #3
The Art of Presupposing Positive Intention