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Exercise Questions

The Yes portion of the Yes D.E.A.R. Process

Choose a medium level emotional issue that you want to work with.
(15 Seconds)

Reality:

What actually happened? What are the facts around the matter?
(30 Seconds)

Reason:

How intentional is your story? How can you make your story increasingly intentional?
Let’s build an empowering story about what happened.
(30 Seconds)

Where can you take it from here? What is a desirable future that you would like this to grow into.
Build on your empowering story.to create an inspiring story.
(30 Seconds)

If we were to honor our “I” integrity, what would we say yes to in terms of what we think and feel and want?
(30 Seconds)

Responsibility (Authentic Partnership):

From a place of interdependent self-fullness, how can we honor the other person’s desires in the same way that we would honor our own?
(30 Seconds)

Respect (Evolving Partnership):

How can we establish a Right-Right context around this issue?
(30 Seconds)

Presume positive intention. What would be the words, voice-tones, body postures and gestures through which you would communicate this to the other person? Imagine this now.
(30 Seconds)

Integrate everything we have done so far into a simple attitude of win-win. Capture what it is like to be win-win.
(30 Seconds)

D.E.A.R – The Declare Step

Who is upset about what? Who has primary upsets and who has secondary upsets?
(30 Seconds)

Each boundary issue requires its own solution.

Around the primary boundary issue, Is this emotional upset in relation to a broken rule, or an unspoken rule?
(15 Seconds)

What about our partner? Imagine asking them “Is this emotional upset in relation to a broken rule, or an unspoken rule?” What would they say?
(15 Seconds)

Get shared reality. Is this emotional upset in relation to a broken rule, or an unspoken rule?
(30 Seconds)

Let go through these again with another issue:

Choose another emotional issue that you want to work with.
(15 Seconds)

Reality:

What actually happened? What are the facts around the matter?
(15 Seconds)

Reason:

How intentional is the story about what happened? First in terms of empowerment and accuracy, what is a story you can tell that respects the reality of the matter and gives you insight to work with it as it is?
(15 Seconds)

How can you make this story empowering? How might you get from here to there?
(15 Seconds)

Responsibility (Authentic Partnership):

How can you honor your integrity around this situation?
(15 Seconds)

How can you honor your partner while honoring yourself?
(15 Seconds)

Respect (Evolving Partnership):

How can we establish a Right-Right context around this issue?
(15 Seconds)

Presume positive intention. What would be the words, voice-tones, body postures and gestures through which you would communicate this to the other person? Imagine this now.
(15 Seconds)

Integrate everything we have done so far into a simple attitude of win-win. Capture what it is like to be win-win. Think and communicate synergy to our partner.
(15 Seconds)

D.E.A.R – The Declare Step

Who is upset about what? Who has primary upsets and who has secondary upsets?
(30 Seconds)

Around the primary boundary issue, Is this emotional upset in relation to a broken rule, or an unspoken rule?
(15 Seconds)

What about our partner? Imagine asking them “Is this emotional upset in relation to a broken rule, or an unspoken rule?” What would they say?
(15 Seconds)

Get shared reality. Is this emotional upset in relation to a broken rule, or an unspoken rule?
(30 Seconds)