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Make a list of the things that are going well in your relationship.

Make a list of things that are not working in your relationship.
Prioritize this list from least to most intensity.

10 steps to right/right relating

go through this deliberately, systematically
do each step in turn, build as we go.

60 seconds

1. what are the facts of the matter?

what actually happened?
Just the facts ma’am, just the facts.
get them out on paper
60 secs

2. what are your rules that are being broken and trigger your the pain/suffering?
60 seconds
what is it about those facts that upset you
pretend it is not obvious – write it down
30 seconds

3. choose to recognize that those are your rules –

they are what you think is right
other people may or may not share them
but you do. they are your rules.
30 seconds

4. give yourself permission to have rules – to honor your self

you are right to want what you want and experience what you experience
I have the right to want what I want
30 seconds

5. choose to recognize that your partner might have very different rules

they might want very different things than you
or they might want similar things
but prefer a different path to achieve them
they are your partner’s rules.
your partner thinks that they are right.
“my partner has different rules than me.”

30 seconds

6. give them permission to have their rules – to honor their self

They are right to want what they want and experience what they experience.
30 seconds

7. choose to recognize the right right context

acknowledge that You are right AND they are right.
you each bring equal rights to the partnership
you are peers whose desires and experiences must be respected
to co-create a partnership with them
180 seconds

8. choose to recognize any self-righteousness on your part

in your emotions, in your experience and stories
60 seconds

How/where/when have you been dominating them – being mean, judgmental, yelling?
60 seconds

how have you been passive-aggressive with your partner?
being bitchy, whiny, ignoring them etc.?
60 seconds

where have you gossiped – shared judgmental self-righteous about your partner with others?
120 seconds

9. imagine how can you communicate your rules and insights to your partner without being self-righteous?

60 seconds

imagine doing so
60 seconds

especially notice your tone of voice as you imagine
perhaps write a quick note of what you might say
120

10. determine if there are any actions you want to take to create more thriving in this partnership

if there are –
a) write them out and
b) schedule them in your calendar.
9 minutes rinse and repeat

get easier the second time
let’s go through those 10 steps again on a different issue

rinse and repeat with same partnership mid-level emotional intensity
9 minutes rinse and repeat

get even easier the third time
let’s go through those 10 steps again on a different issue

repeat with same partnership high-level emotional intensity
establish a right-right context –

takes 30 seconds to get context right

takes a few minutes to sort out the facts, the rules, and the self-righteousness

Do this WITH your partner – later in the course

I encourage you to take a couple minutes to review what you have written
and translate those into concrete actions you can take
to create thriving in the partnerships you choose to focus on.

This was the exercise for session # 2
of creating thriving partnerships: an advanced course
Using the right/right attitude to thrive
with mark michael lewis

to deepen the power of the exercise – perform a quick, intuitive version of it
several times with other partnerships and issues.
remember, the better you get at these skills
the more powerful you will become in creating thriving partnerships

Please listen and take notes of the next session
session #3
The Art of Presupposing Positive Intention